People Speak Different Love Languages,” says Dr Gary Chapman
The evaporation of love after walking down the aisle is a universal anxiety and an emotional struggle that all humans grapple with. Numerous married couples look back over the past years of their first dates and wonder where such a whirlwind romance go? How can their love stay alive while they are inundated with problems? After descending from the clouds of euphoria and getting in touch with real life, discrepancies grow many euphoric apart. Battles start taking place as the two lovers have only met in the realm of romantic obsession, which doesn’t last for long. The couple’s behaviours, desires, perceptions, and struggles come to the surface, and the tides of reality no sooner stifle their obsessional love. The question of whether marital bliss is real or not insists on becoming audible.
Answers to why battles and divorce occur are not crouched in daily life hardships, but rather in the fact that each person speaks a different love tongue than the other. A man might work himself day and night to express his love to his wife, and the wife might still complain about his unloving attitude. This happens not because she is uncomprehending or because the man’s love is untrue; it is just because her primary love language is not the same as his language so his efforts sound like Gibberish to her. During the first years of engagement, when the whole world seems to beam with happiness, any simple gesture of love would suffice. However, when your spouse is not infatuated and not shooting for the stars, speaking his/her primary love language is paramount to keep your marriage afloat. Good news is you can now send yourself on a short journey to discover what is your main love language and how you can learn the language of your spouse. Dr Gary Chapman is a well-known marriage counsellor and relationship expert in the U.S., who has been acclaimed for his Five Love Language theory which he published in 1995 in a series of books entitled The Five Languages. According to Dr Chapman, there are five different tongues that people use all over the world to communicate love. Some people have one primary love language while others are bilingual, yet there is always one dominant language that shouts love to every single person and through which he communicates love to the world.
Words of Affirmation
Encouraging someone by expressing how good he/she is can be the best way to knock your spouse’s socks off if your spouse’s love language is the language of verbal appreciation. Surely, all people get excited when they hear encouraging words, but for a person whose love language is words of affirmation, an absence of encouraging words despite the presence of other love expressions indicates an absence of love. A person whose primary love language is verbal appreciation always years for a supportive relationship; he might not acknowledge other expressions of love, such as sex, gifts, or even doing the dishes if he finds himself bereaved of this form of straightforward support. Race your mind back to a moment in which you said to your spouse something like “you look nice today.” If such words used to make his/her day above all other expressions of love, your spouse’s love primary love language is, definitely, words of appreciation. Therefore, failing to satisfy such a need for your spouse because he/she is already aware of your appreciation will thwart all your attempts to stimulate love. Whereas, praising your spouse’s untapped potentials and affirming your appreciation of what he/she does will do marvels and revolutionize your marriage. It is noteworthy to mention that hurling insults at your spouse can tear your marriage asunder if you are married to a spouse who thrives on verbal appreciation.
Acts of Service
Unlike type-one people, who are hooked on words, type-two people are more into actions. If your wife gets jazzed when you help her with something, such as cooking, cleaning, or giving her a car lift, then her native love language is acts of service. Such a wife might not be a woman of words as she will usually express her love by serving her husband – by talking the language that makes sense to her. Serving others as an expression of love is rooted in the psychological make-up of type-two people; that’s why, such people feel estranged when they ask for help and fail to get it. A spouse whose key love language is service won’t have the foggiest idea about your true feelings if you try to express your love through other means apart from service. Few simple acts, such as doing household chores, painting a bedroom, cooking a meal, and changing litterbox can turn your marriage around and make a tremendous change.
Type-three people plead for one single thing, attention; it is their key emotional communicator of love. If your wife is always nagging you to respond to her WhatsApp messages or to look at her while she is speaking, there is a great possibility that you are married to a quality-time person. Moreover, quality-time people tend to be good listeners and empaths. Giving your spouse your thorough attention, in this case, is part and parcel of your marital duties. Some people might find it difficult to satisfy such a type of spouse while leading a busy life; however, living a happy marital life is worthy of making some compromises. Quality-time people crave togetherness and sympathy; a quality-time wife might keep discussing with her husband same work problems every day just to obtain his sympathy. Giving a list of advice to this kind of wife won’t make any difference to her – she might know what she should do to solve her problem, yet she is yearning for a moment in which her husband gives her due attention, eye contact, and some minutes of his time. The best way to communicate love to such a spouse is to plan for quality-time activities, such as long walks, deep conversations, or weekend gateways.
Gifts are symbols that translate into words of love. Gifts stir deep emotions in many people more than others. Gifts should not necessarily be expensive to indicate love as they can be of the cheapest kinds and make your spouse euphoric. However, if you are a millionaire, and you only give your spouse free gifts, this might be an oddity. Giving gifts to type-four people seems to touch a special spring in their minds, leading them to think that they appreciated and thought of. One key aspect that characterizes type-four people is that they are always appreciative of gifts; they rarely criticize any gift they receive because for them gifts are visual symbols of love, so criticizing them will be a direct resistance to their spouse’s love. So, if you are married to this type of a spouse and stopped the flow of gifts after tying the knot, don’t complain about your marriage being in shambles because your spouse has been definitely questioning your love for years.
Physical touch is a powerful way of stimulating love, especially for type-five people. If you are married to a spouse who flourishes on physical touch, a kiss can have an electrifying effect that can last for a lifetime. Thinking that kisses, hugs, and sexual intercourse are sheer frivolous activities that people shouldn’t waste their time on can wreak havoc on your marriage if your spouse is a physical-touch person. Physical touch should not always be done for sexual reasons; a tender pat on the back can make your spouse’s day if touching is his/her love language. “If your spouse doesn’t enjoy physical touch in non-sexual ways, it might not be his/her love language at all,” says Dr Chapman. For physical-touch people, touching adds a spark of lustre to their life and makes them feel cared for by sending some signals to their minds. Equally, distancing yourself from a spouse who thrives on physical touch communicates the most hateful feelings.